I'm applying to grad school right now. I'm looking at some schools in California, New York and England. To be honest as the dates approach I feel myself in terror.
I've spent so much of my life pretending to be okay. Pretending that some of the situations I survived didn't affect me, but this is different. This is my future and it completely terrifies me. Sometimes I can't help but reminisce in all my failures. Sometimes I can still hear my academic advisor telling me to quit dreaming.
There are days where no amount of Disney magic can cheer me up. Days where I struggle to keep going, to keep pretending, to keep believing.
What scares me the most... is that I could sabotage myself.
I'd never realized how passionate I am about film. It was a dream I hadn't realized I had. This goes far beyond wanting to be a doctor. I've found in the arts something I was never able to find in science... my own voice.
I've spent so much of my life keeping it silent. It was a lesson I learned well. To be honest it all started with a lie.
It's interesting because my family constantly accuses me of being the biggest liar.Of being incapable of love. It's so easy for them to forget the origins.
I can't even remember how young I was when I started lying to my father to protect my mother from his anger. Lying to my teachers. Being the "weird kid" getting bullied, and lying to my parents. Being told that I was too emotional, that I was too sensitive. When all I ever needed was someone to just let me feel. I've spent so many years training myself to not feel that I ended up lying to myself, and in that... I lost my voice.
One of the reasons I became so obsessed with writing and film was how often I used it to escape.
Now, as an adult I find something in the arts that I've always wanted. The truth. Even when watching the most fantastical story being told, there is a truth at the core of where this idea came from. A single truth that can hold so many interpretations to every person.
I find such beauty in it. Which is why I'm terrified of my grad school apps. My mind becomes consumed with whispers of "what ifs" and past failures.
Well wow... I went to a dark place. However, I'm feeling a lot better. I guess James Pennebaker really knows what he's talking about. (interesting theory on writing and reduced stress levels, look him up, he's a bamf)
I hate admitting when I'm feeling vulnerable. But it's strangely comforting to blog about it.
It's hilarious because in my classes I am always told that I'm very articulate. However, when it comes to my own emotions I find it incredibly difficult to express myself. Being able to write about it, in a place like the internet where this blog will be lost amongst the thousands of links people can look at, is nice.
Other than having a place to reflect on my nerdisms, this blog was meant to be used as a tool to heal. I'm aware that if I don't let myself heal, I may never let my self move forward. So, hopefully this was a step in the right direction and in a few months I will be moving to another state, or country, to follow my dreams.
I feel like I should be inserting a photo. (imagine an awesome picture of mickey mouse smiling) There problem solved.
No comments:
Post a Comment