Woes of a Film Fangirl

Well since this is my nerdy blog... I figured it would be appropriate to reveal a new fandom. 

I absolutely love film. Which is why it is so hilarious that I have a major in English with a minor in Biology and Chemistry. I know you just read that and went 'wtf'. Trust me, now that I have figured out what I want to do with my life, I feel the same way. (I would like to note that I do however have a strange love for physics. I could have majored in physics instead!) 

As, I'm trying not to delete my sentences for the 30th time I just can't help but laugh at the irony. I think I should have gotten a clue when my eight year old self memorized the entirety of Aladdin. (True story.) I remember getting so obsessed with films I would watch them until I could say every line, close my eyes and visualize every scene, and remember every song... including instrumentals. I'm the crazy friend that will watch a preview and exclaim "OMG that song was in the preview for the Romeo and Juliet movie like ten years ago because it was in this scene!For example, the only reason I went to see Babylon A.D., was because the preview music for it was the theme song for Requiem for a Dream.

/endrambling (I tend to do that alot.)

This path of self discovery, however, took a while to come to. You see "It all started with a mouse...", no really. Sometimes I facepalm at how integrated Disney is in my life. After 4 years of being a Biology major I decided enough was enough and switched to English. Mostly because it was the most practical thing to do and graduate in less than 6 years. 

Now, here is where the "woe" part of my title comes in.

I was wallowing in self-hate, thinking to myself "Oh, I'm a failure." "What the hell can I do with an English degree?" "I can't be a teacher I'll go to jail for manslaughter!" 
I know... I can be a bit of a drama queen. It was the advice of one of our lovely career counselors that set everything in motion. 

She told me to look for an internship in something that I was passionate about. So, I went home. Plopped onto my bed. Opened up google... and stared blankly at the screen. I wanted to cry in frustration when I looked up at my bookshelf and had an epiphany (Joyce would have been proud. Yes, I'm a literature nerd too.)

All along the top of my bookshelf I have Disney snowglobes, Disney figurines, and collectible Disney dolls. I realized I was crying into a Pirates of the caribbean pillow, and angsting to The Princess and the Frog soundtrack. I realized that I was passionate about Disney. So, guess what I typed in my google search? 

There is where I discovered the Disney College Program(DCP). Now, I don't want to go into details. My college programs were very special to me, and deserve a post of their own. Although, honestly I could write a book. I will let you know however, I came out of that program a changed person. I learned to laugh again, I learned to trust again, I learned that I thrived as long as I had Disney magic around. Most importantly I found out that my biggest hero had been a failure. It was then, that I found myself. 

So, I did something my pre-DCP self would never have done. I did the Walt Disney Imagineering Imagination competition. I'm pretty sure my teammate and I were the only English majors that applied but we made it to the semi-finalist round and were pretty proud of ourselves. 

It was actually a very unexpected phone call that lead me to my calling. I was in the middle of playing "I won't take a bath unless you catch me" with my dog and in my frustration I let the phone go to voicemail. The call had been from Disney Imagineering. They wanted to interview me so I could possibly get an internship. Well, I didn't get it. However, it was a blessing in disguise. When I was interviewed I felt confident, and really enjoyed talking to these people. I think the one thing that went wrong was my lack of screenwriting experience. I mean those people were fishing for any hint of me having the talent. My brief mention of a philosophy film class and screenwriting, even had them jump. I figure that one of the biggest reasons I didn't get it was the inexperience in writing for screen/plays. 

So, I began to look into schools for it. And this is how it all clicked. I realized how much I love film. My movie collection rivals my book collection (I recently went to an estate sale where I bought 100 books for 20 dollars, yeah you do the math.) I did a survey that made me realize I watch around 40 movies a year in the theatres not counting watching it more than once (saw The Avengers 7 times). When the oscars come around, I throw a party (although it mostly consists of pajamas, junkfood, and cheap wine but my friends and I love it.)The year Hugh Jackman hosted the Oscars, I saw that intro so many times I have his whole musical number memorized.

So in short... I love film. I was telling my good friend Sarah on our drive to Walt Disney's hometown that it is one of the forms of art I love the most. 

(get ready I'm about to get a little deep aka emotional)

I am not good at handling my own emotions. I'm the friend you go to when you need to hear the words "suck it up, stop whining." I'm not the one you go to when you want genuine comfort. It freaks me out. It gets emotional and as previously stated, I get all Vulcan. Movies have always had a way to help me cope. When I found out one of my best friends was being tested for cancer. I lived on my life as usual. Then I went to see 50/50 and sobbed, and if I hadn't done that, I don't know if I would have ever coped with it. Film is everything I love about so many art forms combined into one. All culminating to create this collaboration of... humanity. It's beautiful.

(deep moments over)

Currently, I am working, taking classes at a community college, and getting ready for grad school applications. Due to my many years as a fail Science major I have a pretty crappy gpa but I'm trying my hardest to show them that I  want this, that I'm ready to go far for this dream. I used to think that wanting to be a doctor was my dream. Then I discovered my want to go into the film world and my God, sometimes I scare myself at the insane drive. It's so bad when people tell me that it's never going to happen I pretty much look them in the eye and say "You know, it's funny you say that. They told Walt Disney the same thing. You've heard of him right? Created an empire. Yeah that guy." I tend to frustrate the naysayers when I say that.

I don't know. To be honest I just want to inspire someone one day the way film has inspired me. One of the reasons Tim Burton and Johnny Depp are in my top favorite Directors/Actors list is because of Edward Scissorhands. For many years I clung onto the memory of that movie to remind myself that there was someone out there that understood, someone who knew what it felt like to always be alone. It was that memory that got me through some hard times and if there is a chance I could do that for someone I want to try.

Wow... this is a long post. But it's 430 in the morning and I'm trying to not freak out over grad schools. 

Actually, one of my close friends is having me consider schools in the UK. I would have never thought about something like that but something tells me that I need to try. I have no grand reason to want to study abroad but I have the feeling that it's something I need to do. 

In the end, I didn't really nerd out how I thought I would. I mean I really could if I wanted to. (I got my co-workers to talk about movies that 5 hours we had a boring even to work. I can nerd out.) But, I think writing about my worries, and reflecting on how I got to this decision is what I needed. It kind of re-affirmed that I won't give up. 

And I honestly hope that if anyone is actually reading this, that you never give up on your dreams either. Our dreams sometimes are the only thing that give us hope, and hope is one light we should take care to never extinguish.

Well TTFN (Ta Ta For Now, Winnie the Pooh reference lol)

This is at Hollywood Studios in Walt Disney World. Found it appropriate. =D

Keep Moving Forward

If there is one thing anyone should ever know about me... it is that Walt Disney is my hero. To be honest I don't know if I could have ever survived my childhood without the magic his films brought to my life.

Why am I reflecting on this at six in the morning? Well, it's a long story but I can give you the breakdown. 

I graduate from a university a little over a year ago. I always thought I'd end up with this great job, move away from home, and be chasing my dreams. The reality is so depressing sometimes I just want to cry. I'm sure I don't have to go into specifics. Most people that have graduated in the last couple of years are going through the same thing.

So, how does all this tie together. It's through my reflections on my current situation that I realize how much I cling to the hopes I was taught in Disney films.

My second year of college... I had a mental breakdown that had been years in the making. I had become so insecure with myself that I was afraid of going to class just because people terrified me. It was a strange mentality of "I'm a failure anyways why prolong the inevitable", with a wonderful dose of "Oh my God, I have to deal with people. What do I do?" I'm sure there was more to add to this cocktail of self hate but those were the most prominent feelings I can remember.

To say I failed that semester is an understatement. In fact, I did so horribly that as soon as my Academic Advisor saw my mid-semester grades she told me, "You need to stop dreaming. You will never going to amount to anything." Now, I can say this was definitely the last thing I needed to hear. If I had felt worthless before I went into her office... I left that office contemplating the quickest way to kill myself. Thinking there? "I'm a waste of human space." 

Now, my advisor tried to take back those words after she saw the look on my face coupled with the knowledge that I wasn't a rich kid. It was heavily implied that had my mother not been a housekeeper, and my father a retired painter, she would have never taken back those words. This however, is food for thought on another post.

Here comes the connection. Although, I have come a long way from the suicidal mess I was, with my current situation that little voice is back. The one that tells me I'm worthless. I've learned to fight it. But I realize that it always comes with those infamous words "You need to stop dreaming. You will never amount to anything." 

Somedays I find myself almost believing it and thinking "Oh my God, she was right." Today, I found myself combating those insecure thoughts with the lyrics to A Dream is a Wish, "no matter how your heart is grieving, if you keep on believing, a dream that you wish will come true." 

And if for some reason anyone comes across this blog and decides to read it, the point I'd like to emphasis is this... keep on dreaming. No one is going to be the one to get you to your dream but yourself. If someone says "you can't do it" well prove them wrong. A couple of years ago, I would never be able to turn my thoughts into a positive spin. I just keep telling myself that my day will come. 
I tell myself to "keep moving forward". If a fellow Disney nerd is reading this you will remember this line from Meet the Robinson's. More importantly this quote was said by the man himself. (If you know anything about his life, you'll understand why he's become more of a hero to me as an adult.)

 To bring this to a full circle. I remember Disney films being my escape when my reality became too overwhelming as a child. Now, it has become my inspiration of hope. When people tell me that Disney is only for children. I find it hard not to laugh. What is so bad about believing that dreams can come true? Maybe if we all believed in a little bit of magic, and all realized we are wishing upon the same stars the world would be a happier place. 

"All your dreams can come true if you have the courage to pursue them." -Walt Disney

Cinderella castle at Walt Disney World in Florida.