Of Avengers, WoW, and calling your female best friend "brother."

Well, that is a lengthy title. However, it is an apt description of this post. So, I guess there are two new fandoms being discussed in this post. I am a gamer, and I love Marvel (I love DC too.)

This post is really about friendship. 

Relationships are hard for me. Mostly because I have such a hard time trusting people. However, I do have a group of friends that I know will always be there for me. 

Now, the question is "What do your friends have to do with Avengers and WoW (World of Warcraft). Excellent question, absolutely nothing... unless you have the right context.

So, we are all nerds. I used to think people exaggerated when they said that we would be a nerdy sitcom. Then one day, I realized it was true. Nothing defines our nerd/friendship better than our WoW/Avengers personas.

And I'm just going to use our WoW names. I'm pretty sure they don't want me giving away their names to strangers on the internet (ha that would mean someone actually reads this.) So, in our WoW world we are as follows:

Junawe - Tauren, Shaman

Eisande - Blood Elf, Paladin

Dwyndolyn - Goblin, Hunter

Lockhart - Goblin, Warrior

Lokidottir - Blood Elf, Warlock.

Okay, and just so there is a lack of confusion I am Lokidottir. Well, still confusing other than who I am.

We also created our Avengers version on Mal'Ganis. But it's still the same even though we don't all have the Marvel inspired names.

So, Dwyndolyn...

Dywn is actually the "Hawkeye" of our group. And to be honest it cracks me up how accurate our Avenger association and WoW character fit.

Although, I have known her the least. (did I mention we are all girls... well now that that's cleared up) She is one of my best friends. Well they all are. I always saw Hawkeye as this guy who could see the "bigger picture" in situations, he was always very perceptive to me. Almost as if his astounding eyesight was a metaphor for his ability to see people, and events. 

Dwyn... is pretty much like that. I like when our group is together and I notice she is trying not to laugh because she can already tell where an argument is going to go. Also, in WoW, sometimes she just rushes in catching everyone off-guard. Something she does in real life, but it tends to be things that make us go O.O "Wow, you are a BAMF."

She also tends to threaten to shoot Junawe and I in the eye alot. (Mostly because Junawe is the one that starts our fights.)

But, having that person that you know has your back is always a plus. She actually went with me when I drove to Florida so I wouldn't have to go solo, and I will always be very grateful for that.

Eisande

Well, Eisande is our resident "genius, billionaire, playboy, philanthropist". She is actually my sorority big sister. Her character is the tank, and she is pretty much the one that rushes into battle first, but it is always well planned out and as a paladin she also has healing capabilities. Her character is in the engineering profession and it's really hilarious how well it fits. Now, my big is not an ego-maniac (unless you demean her awesome editing skills) but she has the ability to make all of us facepalm, she is such an analytical thinker, and she is insanely devious when she wants to poke fun at us (mainly lockhart.)

Stark I always saw his Iron Man suit, and arc reactor as a metaphor for how guarded he is. She tends to be the same way but it has alot to do with her analytical-ness (is that a word? well I just made it one), but once you get through all that she's one of the most amazing people you can get to know.

Since I already talked about her Lockhart is our Captain America (isn't it just fitting?)

To be honest. I used to kid around that she'd be a better hulk. Then I saw the movie and remembered how cheesy and such a good guy Steve Rogers is and realized she is the Steve of our group.

She is honestly such a good person. She has this "knights of the round table" mentality, and is one of the most honorable people I know. She's always there for her friends, but can back off when it's time for us to be there for her. Somehow I just see Captain America fitting that. Even just looking at the movies it's always been a constant theme of him putting others first. I rarely ever saw him take a selfish action or stop to face his own demons (and when he did try and face his demons he was beating the crap out of boxing bags) Hilariously enough, she does the same thing.

Lockhart though, I've known almost as long as Junawe. I kid around that she is the Merlin to my arthur (if you don't get the reference seriously watch BBC's Merlin.) But it really is true. She has been there for me down to ridiculous things like me asking her if she could grab a binder from the floor cause I was exhausted from class(she was my roommate).What I find interesting about Steve is that even after he becomes Captain America, I see a part of himself never really letting go of his vulnerability and insecurity. But he faces his fears and finds a way to get through them. Lockhart is the same way. I know that one day when she finds that person who will take that chance on her like Dr. Erskine did Steve, she is going to soar. Her character on WoW is a warrior, and she tends to just charge into battle but she finds clever ways of surviving just like Steve. In life I find that it is the same way.

Finally, Junawe. Okay... I have known her the longest. I don't even know how to describe our relationship. In our group she is Thor... and OMG does it fit her. In many ways, our friendship is kind of what Thor and Loki would be like if they weren't at war. 

It's kind of awesome because like thor she has Derpty-Derp moments, and will walk around claiming to be the son of Odin (she is seriously into Norse Mythology.) But she is such a big softy, she is so kindhearted, and genuinely cares for her friends and sometimes hides behind the aloof arrogance but deep down is the most loving person I have ever met. 

In WoW, she is pretty much our healer, but she has awesome war-stomps, and totems that protect the guild. Even though thor is very much the "rush into battle" type. I still see him as someone that just wants to protect those he cares for. Even his fights with Loki. Sometimes it's even more of a "hey, no one can hurt my little brother but me." And it totally fits our friendship. But I see Thor as the slightly more gaudy version of captain America in some ways. 

I will say though. I think what separate Thor and Captain is that Thor is not afraid to go a little  dark. And she is so not afraid to get dark if it means being there for the people she cares for.

My Best friend can be a vicious MoFo but it's comforting to know that I am a part of that protected circle. 

And Me, I'm Loki. I mean it's kind of the same story as Junawe, we have loved the characters since we read the myths, loved them more in the comics, and now just have no words to describe our love after the movies that have been coming out. 

In WoW, I'm the warlock with a specialization in Chaos magic. I stand back and unleash my magical fury. Since I am a cloth armor, I am the squishiest of the group. Sometimes only having enough time to cast certain spells before having to run for my life. If it wasn't for my minion I'd die alot, but my spells are powerful. 

Like my warlock, I am definitely there for my friends but instead of running away from danger I runaway from feelings.

It is so hard for me to express how much my friends mean to me. Sometimes, I also feel so distanced. And alot of it is my own fault. If I could be more open I think I wouldn't worry about damaging our friendships. It's really hard for me to keep up with people. As much as I care about them, because I am horrible at expressing myself. So I hide behind snide remarks, and sarcasm... alot. Even my friendship with Junawe fits the Thor-Loki cycle. She is like my sister (except we have this bad habit of calling each other brother since we first saw thor. We get weird faces in public.) We can get into huge fights and hurt one another but we deeply care for one another, and can get into play fights. She teases me all the time, I retaliate, we get into fights, Dwyndolyn threatens to shoot us in the eye with her hypothetical arrow, Lockhart tries to stay out of it although we tend to try and force her to pick sides, and Eisande instigates and cackles madly. 

Well this blog was going to get slightly angsty at some point. However, sometimes I feel that it is so apt I am Loki. The others are a part of the actual "avengers team" Loki is just a part of their lives even though he is not part of the team.

Sometimes I feel like that, and it's mostly my fault. I am so busy all the time, and I left twice. I was gone for two college programs and there was definitely a shift in our group dynamics.When I first got back, I was slightly resentful. I let my insecurities dictate how I treated them, or how I thought they perceived me. It was all in my head, but sometimes you can convince yourself that the negative is true.

Having said that. I love my friends and I am so grateful to have them. After a lonely childhood where I was  by myself most of the time, and didn't have any friends or family to talk to, I have come to really appreciate the ones I have.  

Our group can be a little dysfunctional at times, but without them I'd probably go more insane than I already can be. 

I actually quit WoW for a month because financially, and personally it was a good choice for my current path. It's been so hard because with how little I get to see the girls, WoW was the one place I could hang out with them. Now, I rarely see them. However, I don't doubt that I'm still in their thoughts. 

With how busy work has been I missed this awesome celtic music festival they went to. The next day we all went to the midnight sale for Mists of Pandaria (new WoW expansion) they all got together to get me this awesome pin that says "It's good to have minions." I didn't tell them, but knowing that I was in their thoughts was really touching. 

I may not have any relationship with either side of my family. And most of them were never there when I needed a hand to hold, however, I have the best kind of family in my guild. A family I picked, and it's good knowing that there are people in my life I will always be able to trust.

Anyways, sappy moments over. All this saccharine is making my teeth hurt. I sincerely think you can't go through life without having a guild of your own. Whether the guild is comprised of blood relatives, or the family of your choosing, having them there to back you up can be such a breathe of fresh air.

Did I mention we were cosplayers? Well we are. =)This is our alice in wonderland (Tim Burton version) cosplay.

Woes of a Film Fangirl

Well since this is my nerdy blog... I figured it would be appropriate to reveal a new fandom. 

I absolutely love film. Which is why it is so hilarious that I have a major in English with a minor in Biology and Chemistry. I know you just read that and went 'wtf'. Trust me, now that I have figured out what I want to do with my life, I feel the same way. (I would like to note that I do however have a strange love for physics. I could have majored in physics instead!) 

As, I'm trying not to delete my sentences for the 30th time I just can't help but laugh at the irony. I think I should have gotten a clue when my eight year old self memorized the entirety of Aladdin. (True story.) I remember getting so obsessed with films I would watch them until I could say every line, close my eyes and visualize every scene, and remember every song... including instrumentals. I'm the crazy friend that will watch a preview and exclaim "OMG that song was in the preview for the Romeo and Juliet movie like ten years ago because it was in this scene!For example, the only reason I went to see Babylon A.D., was because the preview music for it was the theme song for Requiem for a Dream.

/endrambling (I tend to do that alot.)

This path of self discovery, however, took a while to come to. You see "It all started with a mouse...", no really. Sometimes I facepalm at how integrated Disney is in my life. After 4 years of being a Biology major I decided enough was enough and switched to English. Mostly because it was the most practical thing to do and graduate in less than 6 years. 

Now, here is where the "woe" part of my title comes in.

I was wallowing in self-hate, thinking to myself "Oh, I'm a failure." "What the hell can I do with an English degree?" "I can't be a teacher I'll go to jail for manslaughter!" 
I know... I can be a bit of a drama queen. It was the advice of one of our lovely career counselors that set everything in motion. 

She told me to look for an internship in something that I was passionate about. So, I went home. Plopped onto my bed. Opened up google... and stared blankly at the screen. I wanted to cry in frustration when I looked up at my bookshelf and had an epiphany (Joyce would have been proud. Yes, I'm a literature nerd too.)

All along the top of my bookshelf I have Disney snowglobes, Disney figurines, and collectible Disney dolls. I realized I was crying into a Pirates of the caribbean pillow, and angsting to The Princess and the Frog soundtrack. I realized that I was passionate about Disney. So, guess what I typed in my google search? 

There is where I discovered the Disney College Program(DCP). Now, I don't want to go into details. My college programs were very special to me, and deserve a post of their own. Although, honestly I could write a book. I will let you know however, I came out of that program a changed person. I learned to laugh again, I learned to trust again, I learned that I thrived as long as I had Disney magic around. Most importantly I found out that my biggest hero had been a failure. It was then, that I found myself. 

So, I did something my pre-DCP self would never have done. I did the Walt Disney Imagineering Imagination competition. I'm pretty sure my teammate and I were the only English majors that applied but we made it to the semi-finalist round and were pretty proud of ourselves. 

It was actually a very unexpected phone call that lead me to my calling. I was in the middle of playing "I won't take a bath unless you catch me" with my dog and in my frustration I let the phone go to voicemail. The call had been from Disney Imagineering. They wanted to interview me so I could possibly get an internship. Well, I didn't get it. However, it was a blessing in disguise. When I was interviewed I felt confident, and really enjoyed talking to these people. I think the one thing that went wrong was my lack of screenwriting experience. I mean those people were fishing for any hint of me having the talent. My brief mention of a philosophy film class and screenwriting, even had them jump. I figure that one of the biggest reasons I didn't get it was the inexperience in writing for screen/plays. 

So, I began to look into schools for it. And this is how it all clicked. I realized how much I love film. My movie collection rivals my book collection (I recently went to an estate sale where I bought 100 books for 20 dollars, yeah you do the math.) I did a survey that made me realize I watch around 40 movies a year in the theatres not counting watching it more than once (saw The Avengers 7 times). When the oscars come around, I throw a party (although it mostly consists of pajamas, junkfood, and cheap wine but my friends and I love it.)The year Hugh Jackman hosted the Oscars, I saw that intro so many times I have his whole musical number memorized.

So in short... I love film. I was telling my good friend Sarah on our drive to Walt Disney's hometown that it is one of the forms of art I love the most. 

(get ready I'm about to get a little deep aka emotional)

I am not good at handling my own emotions. I'm the friend you go to when you need to hear the words "suck it up, stop whining." I'm not the one you go to when you want genuine comfort. It freaks me out. It gets emotional and as previously stated, I get all Vulcan. Movies have always had a way to help me cope. When I found out one of my best friends was being tested for cancer. I lived on my life as usual. Then I went to see 50/50 and sobbed, and if I hadn't done that, I don't know if I would have ever coped with it. Film is everything I love about so many art forms combined into one. All culminating to create this collaboration of... humanity. It's beautiful.

(deep moments over)

Currently, I am working, taking classes at a community college, and getting ready for grad school applications. Due to my many years as a fail Science major I have a pretty crappy gpa but I'm trying my hardest to show them that I  want this, that I'm ready to go far for this dream. I used to think that wanting to be a doctor was my dream. Then I discovered my want to go into the film world and my God, sometimes I scare myself at the insane drive. It's so bad when people tell me that it's never going to happen I pretty much look them in the eye and say "You know, it's funny you say that. They told Walt Disney the same thing. You've heard of him right? Created an empire. Yeah that guy." I tend to frustrate the naysayers when I say that.

I don't know. To be honest I just want to inspire someone one day the way film has inspired me. One of the reasons Tim Burton and Johnny Depp are in my top favorite Directors/Actors list is because of Edward Scissorhands. For many years I clung onto the memory of that movie to remind myself that there was someone out there that understood, someone who knew what it felt like to always be alone. It was that memory that got me through some hard times and if there is a chance I could do that for someone I want to try.

Wow... this is a long post. But it's 430 in the morning and I'm trying to not freak out over grad schools. 

Actually, one of my close friends is having me consider schools in the UK. I would have never thought about something like that but something tells me that I need to try. I have no grand reason to want to study abroad but I have the feeling that it's something I need to do. 

In the end, I didn't really nerd out how I thought I would. I mean I really could if I wanted to. (I got my co-workers to talk about movies that 5 hours we had a boring even to work. I can nerd out.) But, I think writing about my worries, and reflecting on how I got to this decision is what I needed. It kind of re-affirmed that I won't give up. 

And I honestly hope that if anyone is actually reading this, that you never give up on your dreams either. Our dreams sometimes are the only thing that give us hope, and hope is one light we should take care to never extinguish.

Well TTFN (Ta Ta For Now, Winnie the Pooh reference lol)

This is at Hollywood Studios in Walt Disney World. Found it appropriate. =D