In dreams you will lose your heartache, whatever you wish for you keep. - Cinderella

This is a post... that's not really a post. It's more I have to write my personal statement for grad school. When I think of it as a grad school thing I kind of draw a blank... when I think of it as a blog post I find myself willing to be free with my words. This in no way is going to be my personal statement, but at least I can try and finally answer the question of "why?"

So, I'm trying to figure out what to say... I guess lets start at the beginning.

Escaping reality is both insanely hard and very easy for me. My brain is constantly processing everything around me. I've learned through classes that I am by no means a linear thinker. I'm an associative thinker which can be both fun and challenging. One association seeps into the next, one memory, recalls another, one thought leads to a connection, and its never ending. 

There has only ever been one method of escape for me... story. Whether it be through books, film, or writing my own. It's the only time I've ever felt safe. I can be drawn into a book or film and lose complete sense of reality.

The truth is my love for film started with Walt Disney. It was...is almost obsessive. They always gave me something that I desperately needed as a child, hope. 

I used to fall asleep to the sound of my mother crying herself to sleep. I never knew how to help her, how to protect her. I never knew how to tell her that I loved her. Because if she knew that I knew, it would hurt her more. 

I am 24 years old... and I don't know how to show her that I love her. It's always been so conflicting. I used to blame her. When I was a kid I used to be so angry, why couldn't we leave? Why couldn't she be stronger? 

And we did leave, but we always went back. Since my mother only speaks spanish I never could share my love of books with her. However, film was always one of the ways we could bond. The beauty of film is that you don't need to understand the words to get the sense of what's going on. We would watch everything together, and it was always special to me. 

As a kid film was not only a way I would escape, it was the way I could express myself. It still is. I taught myself a long time ago to not feel, to hide all those emotions, and bury everything deep inside so I'd never have to deal with them. A horrible technique that lead to a massive breakdown in college, but it was the only way I knew to cope. 

Film has a way of getting me to express my feelings. It's the way I bonded with my mother. Watching Disney movies where everyone had a happy ending was a way to share hope with her, that one day, everything would get better. 

And then we saw a movie that I fell in love with as a child. To this day, it is still such a special movie to me. I remember the first time I watched Edward Scissorhands. 

I was both frightened and enthralled by this twisted fantasy of a world Tim Burton created. It was like seeing a reflection of my own feelings on screen. 

Many people who know me end up knowing that my favorite actor and director are Johnny Depp and Tim Burton. What they don't know is that it's not them that I love as much as the story, and how they conveyed it. There was such a devastating loneliness in Edward that I completed connected with. He was in this society he clearly didn't belong in, but you can't help but want to feel connected. 

The first time I realized I wasn't alone, was when I saw that movie. Feeling alone was easy. My father's side alienated us because they don't get along with him or were afraid of him, my mother's side were still in Mexico so there wasn't always communication, and when there was, I was the american of the family, so I was always treated different. 

We lived in this trailer house in the middle of no where, with nothing but acres and acres of land separating us and our neighbors. And so I imagined, dreamed, and hoped. 

My favorite movies as a kid always had the really awesome father, because in a way I could vicariously live through the characters. My father wasn't a horrible father, but, when he was drunk he wasn't the nicest man. And being drunk was a constant state for him. 

So that being said, I think that it's the hope that film gave me that has me interested in the business. 

I love telling stories, I love sharing my experiences. In the end when you share a story whether it be fictional, you share a piece of yourself with the reader. I think the same thing can be applied to film. 

When you go in their with an audience, you laugh, you cry, you get angry, and not everyone has the same reaction. The thing we leave with is that we have all been connected by the film. We experienced human emotion together. 

When I went to see The Lion King at midnight for it's re-release in 3D... I didn't go because it was in 3D. I went because it was a movie that I absolutely loved growing up. I was in the Disney College Program so naturally I went to the AMC in Downtown Disney. The entire theatre was packed and there wasn't a child in the audience. They were all around my age, and it was safe to assume the majority of us were in the college program together. 

When Mufasa died, the entire theatre was crying, and all it took was one sniffle to get the rest of the theatre owning up to the fact that to this day, Simba trying to wake up his dead father was heartbreaking. It was okay to cry, it was okay to feel, it was okay to be human. I think we live in a society where one day we could possibly end up like the society from Equilibrium. But the truth is, the depth of human emotion is beautiful because it's what makes us human. 

Hmm... now that I finally wrote things down I think I can get started. It was helpful to get past the first part of writing a personal statement which is being open. It's really hard for me to be okay with a bunch of strangers reading about my life. Which begs the question "Why the fuck do you have a blog?" Well, answer is, my blog is getting me ready for a lifetime of having to be okay with opening myself up to people. If I want to be in film, if I want to tell story, if I want to make art (which I consider film to be an art thank you very much) I have to learn to put a part of myself in it. The best stories come from people who truly cared, and truly put a part of themselves in it, and if I want to be able to do that, I need to get over myself and my issues. 

So yay, for blogs that no one reads, but help me process the thoughts that entire my sometimes messed up head.

Well this wasn't exactly a nerdy post, but I count it under, film and Disney nerd so ha!

Hmm... (just incase I do have a random reader stumble upon this) I do feel the need to say that I in no way hate my dad. That is definitely a post for another day that has a really nerdy connection (and I suspect a reason why I love villains although I don't think he's a villain just that villains makes mistake as did he).

My mom at Walt Disney World, Epcot, Norway Pavilion. It was too fun!

Woes of a Film Fangirl

Well since this is my nerdy blog... I figured it would be appropriate to reveal a new fandom. 

I absolutely love film. Which is why it is so hilarious that I have a major in English with a minor in Biology and Chemistry. I know you just read that and went 'wtf'. Trust me, now that I have figured out what I want to do with my life, I feel the same way. (I would like to note that I do however have a strange love for physics. I could have majored in physics instead!) 

As, I'm trying not to delete my sentences for the 30th time I just can't help but laugh at the irony. I think I should have gotten a clue when my eight year old self memorized the entirety of Aladdin. (True story.) I remember getting so obsessed with films I would watch them until I could say every line, close my eyes and visualize every scene, and remember every song... including instrumentals. I'm the crazy friend that will watch a preview and exclaim "OMG that song was in the preview for the Romeo and Juliet movie like ten years ago because it was in this scene!For example, the only reason I went to see Babylon A.D., was because the preview music for it was the theme song for Requiem for a Dream.

/endrambling (I tend to do that alot.)

This path of self discovery, however, took a while to come to. You see "It all started with a mouse...", no really. Sometimes I facepalm at how integrated Disney is in my life. After 4 years of being a Biology major I decided enough was enough and switched to English. Mostly because it was the most practical thing to do and graduate in less than 6 years. 

Now, here is where the "woe" part of my title comes in.

I was wallowing in self-hate, thinking to myself "Oh, I'm a failure." "What the hell can I do with an English degree?" "I can't be a teacher I'll go to jail for manslaughter!" 
I know... I can be a bit of a drama queen. It was the advice of one of our lovely career counselors that set everything in motion. 

She told me to look for an internship in something that I was passionate about. So, I went home. Plopped onto my bed. Opened up google... and stared blankly at the screen. I wanted to cry in frustration when I looked up at my bookshelf and had an epiphany (Joyce would have been proud. Yes, I'm a literature nerd too.)

All along the top of my bookshelf I have Disney snowglobes, Disney figurines, and collectible Disney dolls. I realized I was crying into a Pirates of the caribbean pillow, and angsting to The Princess and the Frog soundtrack. I realized that I was passionate about Disney. So, guess what I typed in my google search? 

There is where I discovered the Disney College Program(DCP). Now, I don't want to go into details. My college programs were very special to me, and deserve a post of their own. Although, honestly I could write a book. I will let you know however, I came out of that program a changed person. I learned to laugh again, I learned to trust again, I learned that I thrived as long as I had Disney magic around. Most importantly I found out that my biggest hero had been a failure. It was then, that I found myself. 

So, I did something my pre-DCP self would never have done. I did the Walt Disney Imagineering Imagination competition. I'm pretty sure my teammate and I were the only English majors that applied but we made it to the semi-finalist round and were pretty proud of ourselves. 

It was actually a very unexpected phone call that lead me to my calling. I was in the middle of playing "I won't take a bath unless you catch me" with my dog and in my frustration I let the phone go to voicemail. The call had been from Disney Imagineering. They wanted to interview me so I could possibly get an internship. Well, I didn't get it. However, it was a blessing in disguise. When I was interviewed I felt confident, and really enjoyed talking to these people. I think the one thing that went wrong was my lack of screenwriting experience. I mean those people were fishing for any hint of me having the talent. My brief mention of a philosophy film class and screenwriting, even had them jump. I figure that one of the biggest reasons I didn't get it was the inexperience in writing for screen/plays. 

So, I began to look into schools for it. And this is how it all clicked. I realized how much I love film. My movie collection rivals my book collection (I recently went to an estate sale where I bought 100 books for 20 dollars, yeah you do the math.) I did a survey that made me realize I watch around 40 movies a year in the theatres not counting watching it more than once (saw The Avengers 7 times). When the oscars come around, I throw a party (although it mostly consists of pajamas, junkfood, and cheap wine but my friends and I love it.)The year Hugh Jackman hosted the Oscars, I saw that intro so many times I have his whole musical number memorized.

So in short... I love film. I was telling my good friend Sarah on our drive to Walt Disney's hometown that it is one of the forms of art I love the most. 

(get ready I'm about to get a little deep aka emotional)

I am not good at handling my own emotions. I'm the friend you go to when you need to hear the words "suck it up, stop whining." I'm not the one you go to when you want genuine comfort. It freaks me out. It gets emotional and as previously stated, I get all Vulcan. Movies have always had a way to help me cope. When I found out one of my best friends was being tested for cancer. I lived on my life as usual. Then I went to see 50/50 and sobbed, and if I hadn't done that, I don't know if I would have ever coped with it. Film is everything I love about so many art forms combined into one. All culminating to create this collaboration of... humanity. It's beautiful.

(deep moments over)

Currently, I am working, taking classes at a community college, and getting ready for grad school applications. Due to my many years as a fail Science major I have a pretty crappy gpa but I'm trying my hardest to show them that I  want this, that I'm ready to go far for this dream. I used to think that wanting to be a doctor was my dream. Then I discovered my want to go into the film world and my God, sometimes I scare myself at the insane drive. It's so bad when people tell me that it's never going to happen I pretty much look them in the eye and say "You know, it's funny you say that. They told Walt Disney the same thing. You've heard of him right? Created an empire. Yeah that guy." I tend to frustrate the naysayers when I say that.

I don't know. To be honest I just want to inspire someone one day the way film has inspired me. One of the reasons Tim Burton and Johnny Depp are in my top favorite Directors/Actors list is because of Edward Scissorhands. For many years I clung onto the memory of that movie to remind myself that there was someone out there that understood, someone who knew what it felt like to always be alone. It was that memory that got me through some hard times and if there is a chance I could do that for someone I want to try.

Wow... this is a long post. But it's 430 in the morning and I'm trying to not freak out over grad schools. 

Actually, one of my close friends is having me consider schools in the UK. I would have never thought about something like that but something tells me that I need to try. I have no grand reason to want to study abroad but I have the feeling that it's something I need to do. 

In the end, I didn't really nerd out how I thought I would. I mean I really could if I wanted to. (I got my co-workers to talk about movies that 5 hours we had a boring even to work. I can nerd out.) But, I think writing about my worries, and reflecting on how I got to this decision is what I needed. It kind of re-affirmed that I won't give up. 

And I honestly hope that if anyone is actually reading this, that you never give up on your dreams either. Our dreams sometimes are the only thing that give us hope, and hope is one light we should take care to never extinguish.

Well TTFN (Ta Ta For Now, Winnie the Pooh reference lol)

This is at Hollywood Studios in Walt Disney World. Found it appropriate. =D