In dreams you will lose your heartache, whatever you wish for you keep. - Cinderella

This is a post... that's not really a post. It's more I have to write my personal statement for grad school. When I think of it as a grad school thing I kind of draw a blank... when I think of it as a blog post I find myself willing to be free with my words. This in no way is going to be my personal statement, but at least I can try and finally answer the question of "why?"

So, I'm trying to figure out what to say... I guess lets start at the beginning.

Escaping reality is both insanely hard and very easy for me. My brain is constantly processing everything around me. I've learned through classes that I am by no means a linear thinker. I'm an associative thinker which can be both fun and challenging. One association seeps into the next, one memory, recalls another, one thought leads to a connection, and its never ending. 

There has only ever been one method of escape for me... story. Whether it be through books, film, or writing my own. It's the only time I've ever felt safe. I can be drawn into a book or film and lose complete sense of reality.

The truth is my love for film started with Walt Disney. It was...is almost obsessive. They always gave me something that I desperately needed as a child, hope. 

I used to fall asleep to the sound of my mother crying herself to sleep. I never knew how to help her, how to protect her. I never knew how to tell her that I loved her. Because if she knew that I knew, it would hurt her more. 

I am 24 years old... and I don't know how to show her that I love her. It's always been so conflicting. I used to blame her. When I was a kid I used to be so angry, why couldn't we leave? Why couldn't she be stronger? 

And we did leave, but we always went back. Since my mother only speaks spanish I never could share my love of books with her. However, film was always one of the ways we could bond. The beauty of film is that you don't need to understand the words to get the sense of what's going on. We would watch everything together, and it was always special to me. 

As a kid film was not only a way I would escape, it was the way I could express myself. It still is. I taught myself a long time ago to not feel, to hide all those emotions, and bury everything deep inside so I'd never have to deal with them. A horrible technique that lead to a massive breakdown in college, but it was the only way I knew to cope. 

Film has a way of getting me to express my feelings. It's the way I bonded with my mother. Watching Disney movies where everyone had a happy ending was a way to share hope with her, that one day, everything would get better. 

And then we saw a movie that I fell in love with as a child. To this day, it is still such a special movie to me. I remember the first time I watched Edward Scissorhands. 

I was both frightened and enthralled by this twisted fantasy of a world Tim Burton created. It was like seeing a reflection of my own feelings on screen. 

Many people who know me end up knowing that my favorite actor and director are Johnny Depp and Tim Burton. What they don't know is that it's not them that I love as much as the story, and how they conveyed it. There was such a devastating loneliness in Edward that I completed connected with. He was in this society he clearly didn't belong in, but you can't help but want to feel connected. 

The first time I realized I wasn't alone, was when I saw that movie. Feeling alone was easy. My father's side alienated us because they don't get along with him or were afraid of him, my mother's side were still in Mexico so there wasn't always communication, and when there was, I was the american of the family, so I was always treated different. 

We lived in this trailer house in the middle of no where, with nothing but acres and acres of land separating us and our neighbors. And so I imagined, dreamed, and hoped. 

My favorite movies as a kid always had the really awesome father, because in a way I could vicariously live through the characters. My father wasn't a horrible father, but, when he was drunk he wasn't the nicest man. And being drunk was a constant state for him. 

So that being said, I think that it's the hope that film gave me that has me interested in the business. 

I love telling stories, I love sharing my experiences. In the end when you share a story whether it be fictional, you share a piece of yourself with the reader. I think the same thing can be applied to film. 

When you go in their with an audience, you laugh, you cry, you get angry, and not everyone has the same reaction. The thing we leave with is that we have all been connected by the film. We experienced human emotion together. 

When I went to see The Lion King at midnight for it's re-release in 3D... I didn't go because it was in 3D. I went because it was a movie that I absolutely loved growing up. I was in the Disney College Program so naturally I went to the AMC in Downtown Disney. The entire theatre was packed and there wasn't a child in the audience. They were all around my age, and it was safe to assume the majority of us were in the college program together. 

When Mufasa died, the entire theatre was crying, and all it took was one sniffle to get the rest of the theatre owning up to the fact that to this day, Simba trying to wake up his dead father was heartbreaking. It was okay to cry, it was okay to feel, it was okay to be human. I think we live in a society where one day we could possibly end up like the society from Equilibrium. But the truth is, the depth of human emotion is beautiful because it's what makes us human. 

Hmm... now that I finally wrote things down I think I can get started. It was helpful to get past the first part of writing a personal statement which is being open. It's really hard for me to be okay with a bunch of strangers reading about my life. Which begs the question "Why the fuck do you have a blog?" Well, answer is, my blog is getting me ready for a lifetime of having to be okay with opening myself up to people. If I want to be in film, if I want to tell story, if I want to make art (which I consider film to be an art thank you very much) I have to learn to put a part of myself in it. The best stories come from people who truly cared, and truly put a part of themselves in it, and if I want to be able to do that, I need to get over myself and my issues. 

So yay, for blogs that no one reads, but help me process the thoughts that entire my sometimes messed up head.

Well this wasn't exactly a nerdy post, but I count it under, film and Disney nerd so ha!

Hmm... (just incase I do have a random reader stumble upon this) I do feel the need to say that I in no way hate my dad. That is definitely a post for another day that has a really nerdy connection (and I suspect a reason why I love villains although I don't think he's a villain just that villains makes mistake as did he).

My mom at Walt Disney World, Epcot, Norway Pavilion. It was too fun!

Horror Films vs. the Plaguelands

The best part about having nerdy friends of different kinds of fandoms is I finally have a horror film buddy. Dwyn aka mom/hawkeye. I've talked about her in my WoW post. She has to be one of my favorite artists ever! Also, she loves watching horror films anything from Zombies vs. Strippers  to good movies like The Orphanage.

Recently, our guild met up to eat delicious food as well as discuss future WoW plots. Yes, we do this in public. We even had a whole conversation about how we could make computer bags with the emblem of our respective race/class, the Horde symbol, and patches with our guild image. I think we may have reached a new level of nerdom that day because we looked around awkwardly after we finished fangirling and realized everyone was completely serious. 

Now, my guild finally got me to see the film Cabin in the Woods and it was brilliant! I love how it made fun of horror films, but was intelligent about it. The next day Dwyn and I decided to go see  Sinister and we are even making plans to see Silent Hill Revelation on Halloween day!

It's awesome to have a friend that enjoys the thrill of horror films. I grew up in an insanely Mexican household where to even bring such a film in the house was asking for evil to get me. So, you can imagine my mom's reaction when I received a Chucky doll for my birthday. 

The best part is that we are all from a hispanic background. I can talk to my friends about going to a Witch Doctor to solve all my spiritual and health needs and they get it. Which is probably why we laughed so hard at the Paranormal Activity movies. Seriously, you can't grow up with a bunch of wards to guard from evil, and hear the creepiest stories, go into the movie theatre, and expect Paranormal Activity to be scary. 

Stephen King wrote this interesting article on why we seek out horror, why is it we like to scare ourselves. It delved into the human psyche, societal norms, and vicariously living our darker nature through these darker films. I can't argue I could see where he was coming from. However, horror to me is different. I love these films because it makes my childhood normal. 

Tarot cards, spiritual possession, the paranormal world... I am a part of a culture that heavily believes in it. (This is also why you never see a hispanic in horror films, because we know better, and would have started running at the first sign of something unnatural.) Most horror films have some kinda of "other world" premise and I kind of love that about these films. 

Although, unfortunately I think I've played so much WoW it's become even harder to get creeped out by horror. One of my favorite lands is the plaguelands, followed by undercity which is home to the undead. Yeah, now try spending most of your time playing in these creepy areas at 4 am in the dark. The worst had to be when we did the Scholomance dungeon. It was a school where dark warlocks are taught to reanimate the dead and create abominations from various monstrous body parts. Yep, sleep that night was hard after some of the stuff we ended up having to kill. However, I still can't help but find the story of the dead very sad. And if there is one thing almost every horror film has it's a sad factor. I love sad movies, as much as I end up cursing that I saw them. 

It's funny because I remember I used to be terrified because some of the mexican folklore was creepy. Then I went on to discover Edgar Allan Poe and the rest is history. In hindsight this could also explain my love of Villains... but that is a thought for another day.

That being said I can't wait for Halloween! It's my favorite Holiday! 

couldn't find an appropriate picture so I went with halloween at disney world =P

Hiding behind a Vulcan exterior

I'm terrified... I wasn't even expecting to blog about this. I've spent so much of  my life pretending to be Vulcan about my feelings. I like to push them away and pretend they don't exist. I've built this enormous walls to protect myself but today I just need to let them down for a bit.

I'm applying to grad school right now. I'm looking at some schools in California, New York and England. To be honest as the dates approach I feel myself in terror. 

I've spent so much of my life pretending to be okay. Pretending that some of the situations I survived didn't affect me, but this is different. This is my future and it completely terrifies me. Sometimes I can't help but reminisce in all my failures. Sometimes I can still hear my academic advisor telling me to quit dreaming. 

There are days where no amount of Disney magic can cheer me up. Days where I struggle to keep going, to keep pretending, to keep believing. 

What scares me the most... is that I could sabotage myself. 

I'd never realized how passionate I am about film. It was a dream I hadn't realized I had. This goes far beyond wanting to be a doctor. I've found in the arts something I was never able to find in science... my own voice.

I've spent so much of my life keeping it silent. It was a lesson I learned well. To be honest it all started with a lie.

It's interesting because my family constantly accuses me of being the biggest liar.Of being incapable of love. It's so easy for them to forget the origins.

I can't even remember how young I was when I started lying to my father to protect my mother from his anger. Lying to my teachers. Being the "weird kid" getting bullied, and lying to my parents. Being told that I was too emotional, that I was too sensitive. When all I ever needed was someone to just let me feel. I've spent so many years training myself to not feel that I ended up lying to myself, and in that... I lost my voice.

One of the reasons I became so obsessed with writing and film was how often I used it to escape. 

Now, as an adult I find something in the arts that I've always wanted. The truth. Even when watching the most fantastical story being told, there is a truth at the core of where this idea came from. A single truth that can hold so many interpretations to every person. 

I find such beauty in it. Which is why I'm terrified of my grad school apps. My mind becomes consumed with whispers of "what ifs" and past failures. 

Well wow... I went to a dark place. However, I'm feeling a lot better. I guess James Pennebaker really knows what he's talking about. (interesting theory on writing and reduced stress levels, look him up, he's a bamf) 

I hate admitting when I'm feeling vulnerable. But it's strangely comforting to blog about it.

It's hilarious because in my classes I am always told that I'm very articulate. However, when it comes to my own emotions I find it incredibly difficult to express myself. Being able to write about it, in a place like the internet where this blog will be lost amongst the thousands of links people can look at, is nice. 

Other than having a place to reflect on my nerdisms, this blog was meant to be used as a tool to heal. I'm aware that if I don't let myself heal, I may never let my self move forward. So, hopefully this was a step in the right direction and in a few months I will be moving to another state, or country, to follow my dreams. 

I feel like I should be inserting a photo. (imagine an awesome picture of mickey mouse smiling) There problem solved. 

Of Avengers, WoW, and calling your female best friend "brother."

Well, that is a lengthy title. However, it is an apt description of this post. So, I guess there are two new fandoms being discussed in this post. I am a gamer, and I love Marvel (I love DC too.)

This post is really about friendship. 

Relationships are hard for me. Mostly because I have such a hard time trusting people. However, I do have a group of friends that I know will always be there for me. 

Now, the question is "What do your friends have to do with Avengers and WoW (World of Warcraft). Excellent question, absolutely nothing... unless you have the right context.

So, we are all nerds. I used to think people exaggerated when they said that we would be a nerdy sitcom. Then one day, I realized it was true. Nothing defines our nerd/friendship better than our WoW/Avengers personas.

And I'm just going to use our WoW names. I'm pretty sure they don't want me giving away their names to strangers on the internet (ha that would mean someone actually reads this.) So, in our WoW world we are as follows:

Junawe - Tauren, Shaman

Eisande - Blood Elf, Paladin

Dwyndolyn - Goblin, Hunter

Lockhart - Goblin, Warrior

Lokidottir - Blood Elf, Warlock.

Okay, and just so there is a lack of confusion I am Lokidottir. Well, still confusing other than who I am.

We also created our Avengers version on Mal'Ganis. But it's still the same even though we don't all have the Marvel inspired names.

So, Dwyndolyn...

Dywn is actually the "Hawkeye" of our group. And to be honest it cracks me up how accurate our Avenger association and WoW character fit.

Although, I have known her the least. (did I mention we are all girls... well now that that's cleared up) She is one of my best friends. Well they all are. I always saw Hawkeye as this guy who could see the "bigger picture" in situations, he was always very perceptive to me. Almost as if his astounding eyesight was a metaphor for his ability to see people, and events. 

Dwyn... is pretty much like that. I like when our group is together and I notice she is trying not to laugh because she can already tell where an argument is going to go. Also, in WoW, sometimes she just rushes in catching everyone off-guard. Something she does in real life, but it tends to be things that make us go O.O "Wow, you are a BAMF."

She also tends to threaten to shoot Junawe and I in the eye alot. (Mostly because Junawe is the one that starts our fights.)

But, having that person that you know has your back is always a plus. She actually went with me when I drove to Florida so I wouldn't have to go solo, and I will always be very grateful for that.

Eisande

Well, Eisande is our resident "genius, billionaire, playboy, philanthropist". She is actually my sorority big sister. Her character is the tank, and she is pretty much the one that rushes into battle first, but it is always well planned out and as a paladin she also has healing capabilities. Her character is in the engineering profession and it's really hilarious how well it fits. Now, my big is not an ego-maniac (unless you demean her awesome editing skills) but she has the ability to make all of us facepalm, she is such an analytical thinker, and she is insanely devious when she wants to poke fun at us (mainly lockhart.)

Stark I always saw his Iron Man suit, and arc reactor as a metaphor for how guarded he is. She tends to be the same way but it has alot to do with her analytical-ness (is that a word? well I just made it one), but once you get through all that she's one of the most amazing people you can get to know.

Since I already talked about her Lockhart is our Captain America (isn't it just fitting?)

To be honest. I used to kid around that she'd be a better hulk. Then I saw the movie and remembered how cheesy and such a good guy Steve Rogers is and realized she is the Steve of our group.

She is honestly such a good person. She has this "knights of the round table" mentality, and is one of the most honorable people I know. She's always there for her friends, but can back off when it's time for us to be there for her. Somehow I just see Captain America fitting that. Even just looking at the movies it's always been a constant theme of him putting others first. I rarely ever saw him take a selfish action or stop to face his own demons (and when he did try and face his demons he was beating the crap out of boxing bags) Hilariously enough, she does the same thing.

Lockhart though, I've known almost as long as Junawe. I kid around that she is the Merlin to my arthur (if you don't get the reference seriously watch BBC's Merlin.) But it really is true. She has been there for me down to ridiculous things like me asking her if she could grab a binder from the floor cause I was exhausted from class(she was my roommate).What I find interesting about Steve is that even after he becomes Captain America, I see a part of himself never really letting go of his vulnerability and insecurity. But he faces his fears and finds a way to get through them. Lockhart is the same way. I know that one day when she finds that person who will take that chance on her like Dr. Erskine did Steve, she is going to soar. Her character on WoW is a warrior, and she tends to just charge into battle but she finds clever ways of surviving just like Steve. In life I find that it is the same way.

Finally, Junawe. Okay... I have known her the longest. I don't even know how to describe our relationship. In our group she is Thor... and OMG does it fit her. In many ways, our friendship is kind of what Thor and Loki would be like if they weren't at war. 

It's kind of awesome because like thor she has Derpty-Derp moments, and will walk around claiming to be the son of Odin (she is seriously into Norse Mythology.) But she is such a big softy, she is so kindhearted, and genuinely cares for her friends and sometimes hides behind the aloof arrogance but deep down is the most loving person I have ever met. 

In WoW, she is pretty much our healer, but she has awesome war-stomps, and totems that protect the guild. Even though thor is very much the "rush into battle" type. I still see him as someone that just wants to protect those he cares for. Even his fights with Loki. Sometimes it's even more of a "hey, no one can hurt my little brother but me." And it totally fits our friendship. But I see Thor as the slightly more gaudy version of captain America in some ways. 

I will say though. I think what separate Thor and Captain is that Thor is not afraid to go a little  dark. And she is so not afraid to get dark if it means being there for the people she cares for.

My Best friend can be a vicious MoFo but it's comforting to know that I am a part of that protected circle. 

And Me, I'm Loki. I mean it's kind of the same story as Junawe, we have loved the characters since we read the myths, loved them more in the comics, and now just have no words to describe our love after the movies that have been coming out. 

In WoW, I'm the warlock with a specialization in Chaos magic. I stand back and unleash my magical fury. Since I am a cloth armor, I am the squishiest of the group. Sometimes only having enough time to cast certain spells before having to run for my life. If it wasn't for my minion I'd die alot, but my spells are powerful. 

Like my warlock, I am definitely there for my friends but instead of running away from danger I runaway from feelings.

It is so hard for me to express how much my friends mean to me. Sometimes, I also feel so distanced. And alot of it is my own fault. If I could be more open I think I wouldn't worry about damaging our friendships. It's really hard for me to keep up with people. As much as I care about them, because I am horrible at expressing myself. So I hide behind snide remarks, and sarcasm... alot. Even my friendship with Junawe fits the Thor-Loki cycle. She is like my sister (except we have this bad habit of calling each other brother since we first saw thor. We get weird faces in public.) We can get into huge fights and hurt one another but we deeply care for one another, and can get into play fights. She teases me all the time, I retaliate, we get into fights, Dwyndolyn threatens to shoot us in the eye with her hypothetical arrow, Lockhart tries to stay out of it although we tend to try and force her to pick sides, and Eisande instigates and cackles madly. 

Well this blog was going to get slightly angsty at some point. However, sometimes I feel that it is so apt I am Loki. The others are a part of the actual "avengers team" Loki is just a part of their lives even though he is not part of the team.

Sometimes I feel like that, and it's mostly my fault. I am so busy all the time, and I left twice. I was gone for two college programs and there was definitely a shift in our group dynamics.When I first got back, I was slightly resentful. I let my insecurities dictate how I treated them, or how I thought they perceived me. It was all in my head, but sometimes you can convince yourself that the negative is true.

Having said that. I love my friends and I am so grateful to have them. After a lonely childhood where I was  by myself most of the time, and didn't have any friends or family to talk to, I have come to really appreciate the ones I have.  

Our group can be a little dysfunctional at times, but without them I'd probably go more insane than I already can be. 

I actually quit WoW for a month because financially, and personally it was a good choice for my current path. It's been so hard because with how little I get to see the girls, WoW was the one place I could hang out with them. Now, I rarely see them. However, I don't doubt that I'm still in their thoughts. 

With how busy work has been I missed this awesome celtic music festival they went to. The next day we all went to the midnight sale for Mists of Pandaria (new WoW expansion) they all got together to get me this awesome pin that says "It's good to have minions." I didn't tell them, but knowing that I was in their thoughts was really touching. 

I may not have any relationship with either side of my family. And most of them were never there when I needed a hand to hold, however, I have the best kind of family in my guild. A family I picked, and it's good knowing that there are people in my life I will always be able to trust.

Anyways, sappy moments over. All this saccharine is making my teeth hurt. I sincerely think you can't go through life without having a guild of your own. Whether the guild is comprised of blood relatives, or the family of your choosing, having them there to back you up can be such a breathe of fresh air.

Did I mention we were cosplayers? Well we are. =)This is our alice in wonderland (Tim Burton version) cosplay.